


I just want you to know who I am

by spencerjareau



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 19:47:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5552930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spencerjareau/pseuds/spencerjareau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"New to Seattle," he mused, knocking back another drink in one. "Maybe I could show you the sights." He raised an eyebrow suggestively.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first multi-chapter fic I wrote, so it's like my baby. Re-posting here from ff.net :)

Arizona looked around as she entered the bar, blue eyes scanning the room. She smoothed her button-down shirt as she sat down on a barstool, smiling sweetly at the bartender.

"A vodka and coke, please," she requested, reaching into her bag. The bar wasn't as busy as she'd anticipated, it being a Friday night. She said as much to the bartender, who smiled wryly. "Not so many doctors in tonight," he explained, leaning over the bar to make himself heard over the jukebox. "Friday's a big night for trauma so they're mostly all over the road."

"At the hospital?" Arizona took a sip of her drink, giving the man a quizzical expression. "Oh. I'm starting work there on Monday, thought I'd come get a feel for the place, maybe meet some people…" She shrugged, trying not to show her disappointment. Years of travelling, first for her father's job and more recently for herself, had given her plenty of experience in being the new kid, but it would've been nice to start her job knowing at least one of her new colleagues.

The bartender looked over her shoulder and nodded at someone behind her. "You want to meet colleagues? Here's one now," he said, fumbling with glasses behind the bar.  
As Arizona turned, a tall, dark man approached the bar. Throwing himself onto a stool, he had eyes only for the drink already being poured in front of him. "Thanks, Joe," he mumbled, downing the whiskey in one.

"Dr Mark Sloan, plastics." Joe raised his eyebrows at Arizona before heading off to serve another patron.

Arizona threw a bewildered look in Joe's direction before turning again to face the newcomer, who was now cradling his head in his hands and staring dismally into the bottom of his glass. Smiling brightly, she offered him her hand. "Arizona Robbins, peds." Her smile faltered a little when her introduction got no reaction. "I'm new," she added, somewhat unnecessarily. Silence greeted her. It was as if she hadn't even spoken: the man didn't move a muscle.

"Okay, I get that we don't know each other, and you clearly have something going on, but there's no need to be rude," she frowned, turning back to her drink. If this man was anything to go by, maybe relocating to Seattle had been a bad idea.

She didn't notice as the man glanced at her, seemingly grappling with something internally. He looked from her, to his empty glass, then back again, before he reached a decision. Raising his hand, he attracted the barman's attention and called him over. "Another for me," he ordered, before turning to Arizona and looking her up and down. "And another for Dr Robbins."

Joe couldn't help rolling his eyes, although he hid it from both of his patrons. Not that they were watching him, anyway – Mark only had eyes for Arizona, who looked confused.  
"Um, thanks?" she ventured, as Joe placed a drink before her.

Sloan's eyes crinkled as he smiled at her. "So you're new here, huh?"

"I- yeah, I arrived his morning." Arizona shot a confused glance at Joe. She was already finding it hard to keep up with this man and his sudden mood changes.

"New to Seattle," he mused, knocking back another drink in one. "Maybe I could show you the sights." He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

Arizona almost choked on her drink, unsure whether she had imagined the double entendre in that sentence. "Well, um, I guess a tour guide would be nice," she hedged. "There's a space needle, right?"

Sloan smirked. "There sure is." Waving Joe over again, he declared, "More drinks!"

The blonde looked desperately at Joe again. She had a sinking feeling that she knew where this conversation was heading, and she didn't like it. "Um, thanks," she managed, as a drink appeared before her. "So, um, what's it like working at Seattle Grace?" she asked in a desperate bid to derail Mark's none-too-subtle flirting.

He rolled his eyes. "Drama," he declared. "Nonstop drama." Sloan lapsed into silence and she wondered if she'd provoked another melancholy spell. He soon recovered, adding, "But I came here to forget about that." Turning to her, he looked her up and down again. "So how about it, blondie? You're just a girl in a bar, and I'm just a guy…" Arizona gulped as Mark leaned in, starting as he brushed her wavy blonde hair out of her face with his hand. This had definitely not been in her plan for the evening. Drinks, yes; colleagues, yes; drunken dancing til late with said colleagues, yes. Getting hit on by a drunken male colleague, not so much.

"Dr Sloan – I – no," she protested firmly as Mark leaned in further, pushing him away with a hand on his chest. He looked hurt. "That – that, no, is not happening. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression, but… No." She frowned apologetically.

For a moment he stared at her, before turning back to the bar and waving Joe over again. "Another drink," he ordered sullenly. Arizona watched him with a look of slight panic.  
"This is unbelievable," he declared. "I get thrown out, I nearly get run over on my way to the goddamn bar, and then I get rejected. What's a guy got to do?" Sloan turned back to Arizona. "Is it because I'm not pretty enough?"

She gave him an incredulous look. "First of all, no. And second, you got thrown out? By your girlfriend or boyfriend? And you hit on me anyway?" Arizona couldn't help being slightly angry at the man. So far what she knew of him wasn't pretty.

Sloan shrugged, spreading his hands as if puzzled. "I didn't do anything!" he protested defensively. "She threw me out for no good reason." Slightly cowed by Arizona's icy stare, he admitted, "Okay, I flirted with a nurse. But nothing actually happened. She flirts with people all the time! Nobody yells at her for it!"

Arizona narrowed her eyes. "Firstly, if you two have a problem maybe you should talk about it rather than throwing each other out and bitching at bars. And secondly, you shouldn't have been flirting with the nurse!"

"I know your type," Sloan complained, a pitiful expression on his face. "Monogamist. That's what you are. You're just as bad as the rest of them. I bet you're even worse: you do everything by the book. I bet you're still with your high school sweetheart. You married him in your parish church and have two kids."

She rolled her eyes. "My high school sweetheart was a girl," she stated, raising her eyebrows challengingly. "And no. I'm not still with her."

That made him sit up and take notice, regarding her suspiciously. "You're too hot to be into girls."

Joe tried to conceal a laugh and failed. Pouring the pair another round of drinks, he settled in for a long night of arguments.

-

  
Arizona rubbed her eyes blearily. Her head hurt like hell. Or like shots. Lots of them. She frowned, trying to remember what happened the night before. She was lying on someone's sofa, but it wasn't her own, and given she didn't know anybody in Seattle… Looking down she realised she'd slept in the clothes she'd left her apartment in when she'd gone out last night. Pushing her hair out of her face, she winced as it set off fresh pain in her head.

A door slammed upstairs. She heard shouting, a woman's voice. "Mark Sloan! I threw you out of this house, that doesn't mean I expect to trip over you when I walk out of the bedroom!" Mark Sloan. It was his sofa. She heard a low voice protesting, footsteps growing louder as somebody stormed down the stairs. The pain in her head only increased as she saw what was about to happen, and realised she had no way of stopping it.

The door to the living room flew open and a red-headed woman appeared, immaculate in business dress and with alarmingly straight hair. Arizona felt even more conscious of her own smudged make-up and clubbing outfit as the woman stopped in her tracks, staring at her in a mixture of resignation and anger. "Mark Sloan!" she shouted back up the stairs. "Get out of here. And take your…" she waved her hands exasperatedly, "prostitute… with you."

Arizona tried to protest, standing up so quickly that her head span. She held out a hand. "Arizona Robbins," she smiled. "We met at a bar – I mean – well, I met Sloan – Mark – and we had drinks –"

But the redhead hadn't even stopped in her tracks, heading into the adjoining kitchen and pouring coffee. Grabbing her bag, she walked back past Arizona towards the front door, pausing with her hand on the door handle. "Arizona," she said, in a tone so patient it bordered on patronising. "I do not care. Whatever you did or did not do with my boyfriend, trust me, you are not the first." Turning on her heel, she walked out of the door.

"But we didn't –" Arizona protested as the door slammed shut. Her head throbbed and she sank back onto the sofa. Just then Mark appeared, having apparently struggled with being vertical as much as Arizona had. "Sloan… What happened last night?"

He laughed with difficulty as he collapsed into a chair. "Shots. Lots of them. We tore up the town. You kissed a stripper, I kissed a stripper… We kissed a lot of strippers. And got really drunk. Then we crashed here cos you couldn't remember your address."

He laughed even harder as she crumpled in embarrassment, remembering tiptoeing hysterically up the steps to Mark's place at the crack of dawn. "Anyway, point is, you kissed just as many people as I did. You're like me, just a girl instead of a sexy guy with a six-pack."

Arizona rolled her eyes. "I am not in a relationship. I'm allowed to kiss loads of girls." Covering her face with a cushion as the memories came flooding back – why had she thought dancing on the table was a good idea? And why had nobody stopped her? – she moaned, "Get me a coffee!"

-

First day on the job and she'd thankfully just about got over the hangover. She'd left in plenty of time, determined to make a good impression.

She was standing in front of the hospital taking a breather when Mark bounded up, full of beans and carrying a coffee cup. "I brought you coffee. Now you owe me, Blondie," he grinned.

She smiled, accepting the coffee. "It's a relief to see a familiar face!" she exclaimed. "I think I've just about got all the names down but at least I know yours for sure… Matt, was it?" she teased.

Sloan hit her playfully. They both watched as a moped zoomed into the carpark, its' driver parking it diagonally across two spaces. The driver got off, running in their direction whilst pulling off the helmet and shaking out her wild black hair.

"Watch it, Yang!" Mark shouted as the woman shot past them, almost taking Arizona out with her bag.

"Sorry!" the woman yelled, not looking back.

Arizona shot Mark a nonplussed look. "She seemed… intense."

"She definitely is," Mark replied. "Cristina Yang, cardiothoracic whore. Do not get between her and the OR."

"I'll bear it in mind…" Sighing, she looked at her watch. "I should really get back. Dr Shepherd and I –"

"Oh, you already met Derek?" Mark looked disappointed. Catching sight of Arizona's face, he shut up. "Sorry. Carry on," he apologised, looking for all the world like a chastised schoolboy.

"Dr Shepherd and I," Arizona smiled sweetly, "are trying to figure out a treatment for this patient we have. His parents are pretty overbearing, I mean, they're right, we're his last hope, so we have to find a fix. So I should get back."

"I'll walk you in," Mark frowned sympathetically. "I have to get back to my patients. Pretty sure O'Malley will've killed someone by now." At Arizona's incredulous look, he said pompously, "You haven't met him. Plastics requires finesse and care. He has neither."

Walking through the lobby, Arizona soon spotted Derek in a group of other doctors, his back to her. Mark steered her towards him, smiling as he clapped his friend on the back. "Derek!" he greeted. "I hear you've already met Dr Robbins." Gesturing to her, he began to introduce her to the other doctors in the circle.

Arizona smiled as she was introduced to yet more doctors. Every time she started somewhere new, it was as if there were more names to learn than last time. Dr Karev gave her only a brief nod in response before heading off, and she recognised Dr Bailey from earlier. But the next name made her heart drop through her stomach.

"Arizona, this is Callie Torres," Mark finished, looking proud of himself.

Arizona gulped. The woman in front of her looked just as shocked. She was older, looked harder, but she was unmistakeably Callie.

She tried desperately for a smile but the pounding of her heart made her hands clammy. "Hi," she managed, swallowing the lump in her throat.

Callie stared at her. It seemed like hours passed before she uttered a word. "Hey," she managed. "I, um, I have to go, do, a thing." She turned on her heel and fled, leaving silence in her wake.

Arizona stood and watched her go, oblivious to the curious stares of the other doctors.


	2. Chapter 2

_Summer, 1990. Faded denim shorts and tanned bare legs, towels on a sandy beach and sun-bleached hair._

_Arizona raised herself onto one arm, lifting her sunglasses slightly to look directly at the girl beside her. Squinting in the sun, she grinned. "Miami is the best."_

_The girl beside her beamed, skin bronzed in a red bikini top. "The view certainly is," she teased, taking in Arizona's appearance. "Do you want ice cream?"_

_Arizona grinned, her cheeks dimpling. She pretended to consider the offer. "Nah," she decided. "I want you."_

_Callie's nose crinkled as she laughed. "Then it's a good job I want you, too," she replied, tangling her hand in Arizona's damp blonde hair and pulling her in. As their lips met, Arizona tasted sea salt. She allowed herself to be pulled on top of Callie, and as Callie wrapped a leg around her, she realised there was no place she'd rather be._

_-_

She bounced up the steps to Mark's, red Converse crunching on the snow. Banging on the door, she grinned excitedly and traced loopy patterns in the ice on the windowpane.

"Maaaark," she called. "I know you're in there." She wouldn't have dared but for the fact she knew Addison was at work. Since her first encounter with Addison a month ago she'd learned two things: that her relationship with Mark was highly unstable, and that she was best friends with Callie. It put them all in an awkward position: Mark was her best friend, Addison was Callie's… She tried to stay out of her way as much as possible, but it was hard, especially at work. They'd reached a degree of civility at work – both she and Addison were too professional to let life interfere with saving a patient – but outside of the hospital there was no love lost. For two women who'd barely exchanged a hello, they knew too much about one other's lives to be friendly.

The door opened, startling Arizona from her musings. Mark looked dishevelled, his shirt rumpled and his face unshaven.

She winced sympathetically. "Did you sleep in your clothes?" Taking in the bags under his eyes, she reconsidered and amended: "Did you sleep at  _all_?"

He stood aside to let her in. "Not really," he admitted, running a hand through his hair wearily and following her to the kitchen. "We argued. Again."

Arizona raised her eyebrows in concern. "Can it be fixed?"

"I don't know," he shook his head and shrugged. "Look, I have to get changed and then we can go, okay?"

She nodded, heading to the coffee maker. "I can wait."

Mark wrapped his hands around the coffee cup and stared into the middle distance. Overnight Seattle had become a whole new land: familiar landmarks frosted gently with dustings of snow, glitter where previously, there had been none. Arizona loved the snow. It made her feel like anything was possible. She remembered being a little kid and playing in the garden with Timothy: building snow forts and igloos and hiding until their dad came to find them after dark. She tore her eyes away from the kids playing in the park and watched Mark's breath form clouds in the cold air.

"I don't know what we're going to do," he frowned helplessly. "Maybe we should just call it a day, but… She's who I keep coming back to."

Arizona bit the inside of her lip. "Does she know, Mark? Does she know how much you love her? Because I do. You tell me, because I'm your best friend, but do you tell her?"

"She knows."

"But  _does_  she?" She scuffed her toes into the fresh white snow. "Mark, you flirt with nurses, you flirt with other doctors, you flirt with  _me_ – and we both know none of it's serious, but does she?"

He stared at the ground, lost in thought. "Why wouldn't she?"

Arizona couldn't help rolling her eyes. "For a womaniser, you don't know very much about women." She started walking, frost crunching underfoot. "She gave up her life in LA for you, right? She came back. She left here because there was nothing for her – but she came back for you." She looked over at him and shrugged. "So maybe she feels like she loves you more than you love her."

"What?! That's crazy!" Mark exclaimed. "I would never have asked her to come back if I didn't love her. I wouldn't have done that to her if I didn't think we could last."

"I know. But she made a huge life change, and what did you do? You still flirt with everyone with a pulse. You need to show her that she's special." She trailed her fingers over a snow-encrusted railing. "Show her she's the one."

Mark looked at her with new respect. "Robbins, for someone with a romantic history that looks like a train wreck, you know a lot about fixing things." He winced. "Ouch. Sorry. I didn't mean it."

She smiled, shrugged. "It's true. I've made a mess of everything in my personal life. I didn't expect to have to stare it in the face when I accepted this job, though."

"What's going on with you and Torres?" he asked, ice-blue eyes full of concern.

"Nothing." But it wasn't true. What was going on was Arizona staying up late and barely sleeping, playing back her memories on loop: the look in Callie's eyes after their first kiss, the night they danced at prom, the way they'd screamed and held hands in a haunted house. And then more recently: Callie's facial expression when she'd come face-to-face with her past, the way she'd run away like Arizona had been doing ever since they'd broken up. "She hates me. She doesn't want to see me, and I can't blame her for that." Since they'd met in the hallway, Callie had been doing everything in her power to avoid Arizona. It had made for a month of near misses: Arizona couldn't count the times she'd been walking down a corridor in the hospital, only to see Callie coming towards her and watch her turn and flee. It didn't help that the hospital was rife with gossip about her relationship with George, some guy Arizona hadn't had the pleasure to meet. Unfortunately, the fact she didn't have a face to match to the name didn't stop her stomach churning every time she thought about it.

Mark wasn't fooled. "Have you told  _her_?" he asked pointedly.

Arizona laughed softly. "No. She's with George now. She wouldn't listen." And why should she? They'd been hopelessly in love – so much so that they thought it was too good to be true. Every time Arizona had woken up in Callie's bed, every time they'd run across the school courtyard to each other from their respective lessons, every time… Every time, she'd thanked her lucky stars, because she didn't know what she'd possibly done to deserve this. And then it came, the call that meant they had to move. She'd never hated being a marine brat as much as in the moment her father had told her they had to leave. She'd run from the kitchen, barricaded herself into her room and stared blankly into the mirror, seeing only red.

-

_They were driving, the roof down on Callie's red convertible. It'd started off a sunny day but as they'd got more and more hopelessly lost, the rain had begun. Drizzle at first, then heavy raindrops began to fall, and as they rounded the bend on yet another winding country road, they saw a fork lightning hit a nearby tree, ripping the sky into jagged pieces._

_"I love you," Arizona giggled, placing a hand over Callie's on the gearstick._

_The brunette turned to look at her, her mouth twisting automatically into a wide smile. "I love you more," she replied, intertwining their fingers. "Do you think we're lost enough yet?"_

_"Yeah," Arizona smiled softly. "Pull in at the next hostel?"_

_-_

"He's going to be fine," she beamed. "We'll keep monitoring him, but we don't see any reason why he shouldn't be able to go home tomorrow." She exchanged triumphant glances with Derek as they watched the parents hug each other incredulously, hardly able to believe what they were hearing. Slipping quietly from the room, they stood outside the young boy's room and watched the celebrations.

"We did it," Derek grinned at her.

"We did," she smiled back. These were the good cases: the kids that came in battered and bruised, needing multiple surgeries, and then managed to walk out of the hospital on their own two feet. These were the cases that stopped her even considering changing professions. Peds was hardcore. It was dark, unfair, painful, but the ones you could save or even help in a tiny way… They made it all worth it.

Derek handed her the chart. "Congratulations, Doctor Robbins," he smiled. "Drinks to celebrate?"

She smiled back. "That sounds nice." Turning to place the chart back in the trolley, she was almost knocked off her feet by Callie, who looked close to punching somebody out. The pile of surgical supplies Callie had been carrying was knocked to the floor.

"I'm – I'm sorry," Arizona stammered, the smile knocked clean off her face. Both she and Derek bent to help pick the supplies up.

Callie glared. "Why are you  _always_  in the way?" she hissed, eyes full of anger.

Arizona was taken aback by the hatred she detected in Callie's eyes. "I – I was just putting a chart away – I didn't know you were trying to get past."

Derek frowned. Callie was an old friend of his and he'd never seen her so unreasonable. "Callie, it was an accident," he stepped in, trying to diffuse the situation. "Look, here are your things, no damage done, it's okay."

Callie laughed bitterly. "You know nothing about the harm she's capable of, Derek. Stay out of it. And  _you_ ," she looked directly at Arizona, "stay the  _hell_  out of my life."

-

_They'd paid for the room with the money Arizona's mom had lent her, spent the evening building houses out of playing cards. Outside, the thunder continued to roll, and Callie drew the curtains against the cold. They held each other under blankets and afterwards, they huddled concealed underneath with a torch, shutting out the world._

_"I'm so in love with you," Callie had whispered._

_"I know," Arizona had replied. "I'll love you forever, Calliope. I never want to leave."_

_Callie had cried, and as Arizona held her tight she felt her tears drip onto her shoulders. She had rubbed her back, listened to her breathing go crazy, and when Callie pulled back to look at her, she tried to memorise the eyes in which love blazed so fiercely. When Arizona kissed her Callie had kissed her back fiercely, and when she'd touched Callie it had been as if it were the last time._


	3. Chapter 3

She checked her watch. Still twelve hours of her shift left. She sighed. Catching the attention of a nurse, Arizona smiled. "I'm going to try and get some sleep. All my patients are stable but page me if you need to." When the nurse nodded in confirmation, she headed off to find an on-call room. Today had already been longer than she'd have liked.

Arizona slipped into the first unlocked on-call room she came across, lost in her thoughts. Despite the successes she'd had with patients, she couldn't help dwelling upon her argument with Callie. The look in her eyes had scared her. For the first time, she was truly scared that Callie might hate her.

A cough drew her attention to the bed. Realising the room wasn't unoccupied, she took a step backwards. "I'm sorry – I didn't realise anybody was in here," she apologised profusely. The room was dark. She froze as she heard a mocking laugh. "Of course you didn't."

_Crap._

She continued stepping backwards until she felt the cold door handle under her palm. "Okay. I'm gonna go now… Sorry to have disturbed you."

Arizona jumped as Callie pushed herself into a sitting position, pushing the hair from her eyes. "Oh, what, you're  _sorry_? And that's meant to make it okay?" She laughed scornfully, shaking her head. "You're unbelievable. Really. Unbelievable."

The blonde bit the inside of her lip. "We're not talking about the on-call room, are we?"

Callie laughed again, disbelieving but with a bitter edge. "No,  _Arizona,_  we're not. Although I do appreciate the skill you have for being exactly where I am all of a sudden. It's great, really. Is it a recent discovery? Not something you could've tried, oh, ten years ago, maybe?"

Arizona winced, back flat against the door. "I deserved that," she whispered, looking down at the floor. "I deserved that." She raised her head a little higher, looked Callie in the eyes. "I should've found you. I should've written or phoned or – I should've come back for you." Tears pooled in her eyes. "But I was scared."

Callie shook her head. "Poor you," she rolled her eyes. "Poor you. It must've been so hard. Harder even than being left by the love of your life, who moved across the world and forgot you ever existed."

"I never forgot you –" Arizona protested, but Callie wasn't listening. She was pushing herself to her feet, sliding her feet back into her trainers, crossing the room. She reached behind Arizona to grab the door handle and Arizona could smell the coconut of her hair, see the faint spray of freckles around her nose that she always used to tease her about, and she felt her knees about to buckle. She stumbled out of the way and then Callie was gone, the door slamming behind her. Arizona sank to her knees.

She drummed her fingers impatiently on the desk of the nurses' station. "Come on, come on," she intoned under her breath, looking around in search of Mark. She'd changed out of her scrubs into a pair of blue jeans and Converse, brushed her hair back into a low ponytail and reapplied the make-up she'd cried off earlier. It hadn't been a great day and stood right here, she was just asking to be a target of the next installment of the Seattle Grace Mercy West show.

Taking out her phone, she fired off a text to Mark.  _Where are you?_

"Dr Robbins," she jumped upon hearing a gruff voice behind her. Shoving her phone back into her pocket, she turned round guiltily, plastering a smile onto her face. She couldn't help the momentary look of confusion that flickered across her face upon seeing Alex Karev. He was the resident she'd worked with most since her arrival, but the two of them were hardly friends – barely even acquaintances, beyond a professional respect for one another. She wondered briefly whether she'd forgotten to check on a patient before getting ready to leave, but dismissed that thought. She'd checked, double checked, triple checked: her personal life may well be a mess, but that wasn't going to affect her professionalism.

Karev shuffled his feet slightly nervously. "I, um, about you and Torres. I'm sorry. Whatever." He shrugged before scurrying off.

Arizona stared after him, confused. This hospital had just been one surprise after another. Clearly news of their confrontation in the corridor earlier had spread far and wide, but for the life of her she couldn't work out why Karev cared. She couldn't help wondering what he'd meant by "you and Torres." She supposed from an outsiders' perspective, there had to be more to the story than was apparent. She wondered if anybody had come close to guessing right.

At precisely that moment Mark walked up, bag slung over his shoulder and keys jangling in his hand. "What did  _he_  want?" he scoffed, shooting Karev's back a distasteful look.

"I don't know…" Arizona shook her head, still puzzled.

"Whatever." Mark put his arm round her, steering her in the direction of the exit. "Come on, Robbins. Your carriage awaits."

-

"I just – I really loved her. Really really," Arizona lamented, scrunching her eyes up to peer into the bottom of the empty tequila bottle. "And I thought – I thought we could be us again."

Mark propped himself up on one elbow on the couch, contemplating her over the rim of his glass of whiskey. "You can't change the past, Robbins."

"I know," she bit her lip, placing the bottle on the table and flopping back onto the floor. "But I lost her once and I thought maybe this was my do-over, my chance to make this okay."

"What does she think?"

Arizona laughed wryly. "She thinks I'm a bitch. I walked away. And now she's walking away, because she's moved on. And she should, because I – I am a mess." She sat up again, reaching for another bottle. "I'm a one-woman wrecking ball."

Mark sighed. "Arizona, look at me. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're a one-woman wrecking ball  _because_  of her?" He sat up properly, counting on his fingers. "One, you're young and fall hopelessly in love. Two, you very nobly – but stupidly – leave said girl because you think she deserves better than, what, a long-distance relationship and dates over a phone line. Three, you try to forget but you can't, because every other woman reminds you of her. Am I right?"

He watched as Arizona's bottom lip wobbled. She clutched the tequila like it was a life belt. "Go and see her, Robbins. Go. And make her see."

-

It was a stupid idea. A stupid, hopeless, alcohol-fuelled idea, and she hated herself for the hope that sprang up in her chest when Callie agreed to meet her. With every footstep she took closer to that damn park bench, she hated herself a tiny bit more.

"How did you even get my number?" Callie asked, pulling her jacket tighter around herself. She looked hostile, but at least she wasn't slamming any doors, Callie thought. She sounded less angry. More curious. Sad.

Arizona looked shifty. "Mark asked Addison." At the murderous look on Callie's face, she quickly continued: "She took a lot of convincing. He was very… convincing…" She shut up, realising she wasn't making the situation any better.

"So you got to my best friend too, huh?"

Arizona flinched as if struck. "No. She just…" She stopped short of explaining to Callie that actually, Addison had only agreed to giving them the number because Arizona had burst into tears. She wasn't a woman who cried. Then again, she hadn't thought she was a woman who cared. She was having to admit a lot of things to herself lately. "Do you remember, Calliope?" she asked softly. "Do you remember when I had to leave and we spent the weekend together, just drove?" Her eyes were wet and she tried not to cry. "I love you, I have always loved you, it has  _always_ been you, Calliope."

The brunette raised red-rimmed eyes to look at her. "You never wrote, Arizona. You never answered the phone, you never replied to any of my messages. You just disappeared."

"I… I didn't believe in long distance relationships. I was stupid, okay? I thought we had to let each other go." Arizona bit her lip, internally cursing the stupid mindset that had let the woman in front of her out of her life.

Callie shook her head. "You gave up on me. I wrote and I hoped and I prayed and I didn't listen to my parents when they told me I was better off without you, because I knew better. And then on high school graduation day, I finally realised you were never coming back. Not for me, not for anything. And I had to let you go."

Arizona's breath caught as Callie stood up.

"I can't do this, Arizona," she said, shaking her head and looking at her sadly. "I can't. I'm with George."

As Arizona watched her walk away for the second time that day, she couldn't stop the tears falling from her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

The chatter in the room died down as the bottle began to lose speed. Even Meredith stopped giggling, her face becoming remarkably solemn as she leaned forward, removing her arm from around Derek’s shoulders as she leaned forward, elbows on her knees. Cristina, too, stared entranced at the bottle, watching it lose speed. She burst out into a cackle as her eyes followed the end of the still bottle up to the face of the person it was pointing at.

“Torres!” she cheered, raising her bottle of tequila to her lips. “Truth or dare?”

Meredith looked on eagerly. Derek tried to hide a smile as he ran his hand through his hair. He’d thought – hoped – he’d left the teenage party games behind, but now he was here, he was having difficulty pretending not to enjoy himself.

Callie chewed her lip. Truth or dare. Her eyes caught Arizona’s across the circle and she tried to ignore the beat her heart missed as her dark eyes connected with electric blue.

“Dare,” she decided, knocking back the rest of her drink. What harm could it do? Her life was already smashed to pieces.

TWO WEEKS EARLIER:

Arizona strode through the halls of the hospital, hands in her pockets. She didn’t know where Mark was – she had no idea – but she needed somebody to talk to. This was crazy. Four weeks of no contact beyond the bare formalities, and she was losing her mind. She’d been hoping for friendship. More than friendship, if she was entirely honest, but friendship at a minimum. She could do that. She was a good friend. It was too much to have Callie here, in the same city, and not to be able to even share a coffee with her. The pain, the what-ifs… She could do that, as long as they were friends.

“Who does she think she _is_?” Arizona mumbled, eyebrows furrowed in indignation. She’d tried. She’d really, really tried. She’d put on a brave face, gone to work, toughed it out: she’d smiled brightly every time she’d seen Callie, she’d been nice as pie to George, who, by the way, was much better with kids than she’d expected or hoped – made him hard to hate. He was just a nice guy. So there was that. She’d gone to all the social occasions – even Derek’s birthday, which Mark had warned her would be messy, and which, sure enough, left her hungover for a week and with a million bruises she couldn’t explain – she’d made every effort to fit in at this hospital. But she had to admit to herself that she had no interest in being Callie’s friend.

She knew nobody knew what to make of her. She was a mystery as far as Meredith and Cristina were concerned: she’d once heard Cristina mutter that she was “too perky not to be permanently high.” Karev, on the other hand, seemed to know everything. Ever since he’d told her he was sorry about she and Callie, Arizona had wondered what his deal was. The time she’d spent with him at work had given her a better understanding of him: she knew he was often overlooked, usually underestimated. She knew he was a hard worker but that he wasn’t often willing to share his feelings. And she’d heard the rumours about a patient he’d fallen for and then had to admit to a psych ward. Not that she really set much store by rumours usually, but it explained a lot.

Arizona wouldn’t say she was friends with Alex, not exactly. But he was definitely her preferred resident. Sure, George was good with the kids, and Cristina knew all the theory almost as well as Lexie, with her photographic memory. But Alex had it all. A bit more experience and who knew where he’d be. Plus, he was always willing to tell her funny stories he’d overheard around the hospital. She knew he didn’t get on with Mark, but she was learning that Mark’s taste in friends was very much governed by his taste in women.

So when she bumped into Alex, she made a split-second decision. “Karev,” she gave a half-smile, taking in his dishevelled appearance and the pile of charts in his arms. “Are you busy?”

Alex nodded in acknowledgment. He knew he could do much worse for an attending than Arizona Robbins. She was the best. She was strict but he could tell she actually gave a damn – about the patients, about the residents, about teaching them to be the best that they could be. He’d wondered idly what was going on with her and Torres ever since she’d got here. Callie was a little off-the-wall, everybody knew that: first to the party, last to leave, most likely to dance on the table and leave with a complete stranger. But he’d never seen anything as weird as the look on her face when Arizona had first appeared at the hospital. And he’d seen a _lot_ of weird things.

“Sure,” he nodded, placing the charts back in the trolley. “I was just catching up on these. You wanna get a coffee?”

Arizona nodded gratefully. “It’s on me.”

-

She wrapped her hands around the cup and stared over the edge of the walkway railings, watching the people coming and going. Miracle cures, bad diagnoses, death or life… It all happened in this hospital. People left this place a different person to who they were when they arrived.

Alex took a sip of his coffee, eyed her warily over the rim. What had seemed like a good idea at first was becoming rapidly less appealing with every second they passed in silence. “This isn’t about me, right? Or the Jenkins kid? Because I swear, I did not –“

She looked up, shook her head adamantly. “Karev. No. Everyone knows Matthew Jenkins has a mouth on him. Nobody actually thinks you told him he was going to die,” she gave a wry smile. Kids like Matthew, she’d met them before: so convinced they were going to die that they saw monsters everywhere, in everyone. “This… This is…” Arizona wondered how to bring it up subtly. She supposed there was really no way. “Callie,” she stated, before she had time to think. “What do you… What’s going on with Callie?” She knew Alex lived with Meredith, who lived with George. She knew he’d at least have some idea what was going on.

Alex almost smirked, but the look on Arizona’s face was too wistful. “Torres is a mess,” he shrugged, taking another sip of his coffee. “She has been ever since I’ve been here.”

Arizona swallowed hard. “A mess?”

“Parties a lot. Drinks a lot. Sleeps with a lot of guys.” Alex shrugged. “She doesn’t really have a lot of friends around here.”

“Addison?” Arizona ventured hesitantly.

“She and Montgomery are like those witches out of Macbeth.” He reconsidered. “Wait, there were three of them. Whatever. They’re inseparable. Callie, she… She goes to all the parties, she gets on with everyone, but… She doesn’t have a lot of friends. And Addison… Who knows how she spends her time, but the two of them? Couldn’t split them with a carving knife.” Alex shrugged. Truth was, he’d be much the same as Callie if he hadn’t met Meredith. But Meredith and Callie had never really hit it off.

Arizona closed her eyes, took a deep breath. The Callie she’d known had been a loose cannon, sure, but non-stop parties and drinking? “But she’s with George,” she forced out.

“O’Malley’s an idiot,” Alex rolled his eyes scornfully. “He wants Izzie. Callie is his… I don’t know, his stopgap.”

Arizona didn’t miss the edge of pain in his voice. “So they’re not serious?” she ventured tentatively, hopefully.

Alex shrugged. “They’re married. But all I know is Callie’s not the one he thinks about at night.”

Arizona wished she could say the same for herself.

-

 Two days later and the news hit Arizona as soon as she walked through the hospital doors, arm in arm with Mark.

“I heard he cheated on her in their very own bed –“

“Right here in the hospital – Torres walked into the on-call room and caught them at it-“

“Apparently O’Malley and Stevens have run off together. Her dad’s in the Mafia, you know –“

Arizona looked at Mark, wide-eyed. “What –“

Mark shrugged. “Gossip in this place… There’s no way of knowing whether it’s true or not.”

But Arizona wasn’t convinced. And when she found Alex on her service instead of George, he only shrugged as if to say “I told you so.”

-

Callie rubbed her bleary eyes, rolled onto her side and stared at the alarm clock on the bedside table. Three am. She was pretty sure she hadn’t slept at all in the last 48 hours. She tried to sit up, winced. Maybe the last vodka hadn’t been such a great idea.

Two days. That was long enough to be over it, right? It wasn’t like they were married. She burst out laughing. _Oh, wait._ Wedding in Vegas. She could tick that one off the bucket list, along with ensuing divorce less than a year later. Mistake, huge mistake. Like most of the things in her life thus far.

Gritting her teeth, she forced herself to sit up and open the curtains. The streetlamp outside the hotel was broken, but there was nobody on the street anyway. She shook her head, stopping abruptly when it hurt even more. She’d hoped her days of drowning her sorrows alone were over, yet here she was, classy as ever.

She wondered what they were saying at work, whether everybody knew now how she’d been humiliated by a husband who thought sanctity of marriage was optional. She’d known it was going to happen, she’d seen it coming, but weirdly it hadn’t made it hurt any less.

At least now it was over, right? She could move on. Get over it. Go back to work and watch Arizona pretending to be happy with her sad eyes and fake laugh.

She sank back onto the bed, reached blindly for the bottle of vodka. Maybe tomorrow.

-

“Come on, Arizona! It’ll be fun. There’ll be old-school party games, bad dancing to awful eighties music – how can you resist?” Derek smirked, eyes twinkling.

Arizona rolled her eyes. He was just as enthusiastic about this night as she was, she could tell. Apparently so could Meredith, who turned to narrow her eyes at him. “It _will_ be fun,” she smiled sweetly at Arizona. “Come on. This last week has been an absolute bitch. We could all do with a night to go crazy.”

“Who’s going?”

“Well…” Meredith counted on her fingers. “Cristina –“

“ _Obviously,_ ” Derek mouthed behind her back.

“- Mark, Addison –“

“Oh, well if Addison’s going to be there, maybe I shouldn’t-“ Arizona saw her out and tried to take it.

“Nuh-uh,” Meredith shook her head. Derek mimicked her solemnly. “No. If Addison and I can get along, you two can get along, too. Just because she likes the babies and you like the kids, doesn’t mean you have to hate one another.”

“That… is really not it,” Arizona mumbled weakly. Derek drew his finger across his throat, sensing she was losing the battle.

“So you’ll be there. Great!” Meredith grinned. “Bring Alex, you two finish at the same time tonight, right?”

Derek laughed at her as he was pulled off in Meredith’s wake, leaving her standing in the cafeteria confused, lost and wondering how the hell she’d just got herself roped into this.

-

Alex rolled his eyes as he waited outside the bathroom for Arizona. God only knew what the chicks did in there that took so long. He’d changed his shirt, splashed some water on his face, and here was Arizona half an hour after their shift had finished, still locked in the bathroom.

She burst out of the door a split-second later, hair around her face and glittery eyeshadow making her eyes stand out even more. “I’m ready,” she grinned, cheeks dimpling.

“Whatever,” he couldn’t help smiling back. Taking her bag, he gestured to the doors. “We’d probably better get going. Half of them are probably already unconscious by now.”

“Wait,” she put a hand on his arm. “You’re sure about this?”

Alex shrugged, not even pretending not to know what she meant. “None of them are going to be there. Torres hasn’t left her hotel room in a fortnight, O’Malley’s gone underground and Izzie’s out of state visiting relatives. Said she couldn’t take the way people were looking at her.”

Arizona took a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

-

“You invited Torres?!” Cristina’s voice could be heard over the thumping music as she and Meredith attempted to have a hushed discussion.

“Yes!” Meredith cried. “Look, I know we don’t really know her“ – Cristina could be seen to snort at this – “but she’s not in the wrong, here. And she’s the one being treated like a pariah!”

Cristina rolled her eyes. “You want her lying on your bathroom in a drunken stupor all night?”

“I would rather her here where I can see her than hidden away in a hotel room on her own!” Meredith answered firmly.

Cristina shook her head. “It’s your party.”

-

Callie breathed in deeply. She’d been surprised to get the text off Meredith. She’d always thought the younger woman disliked her, but maybe it was just that they didn’t have much in common. Either way, Meredith and Addison were the only people who’d bothered contacting her since it’d happened. And maybe a night outside of this hotel room would be good for her. She’d have to do it eventually, after all.

She’d made it to the garden of the frat house before she realised she couldn’t go in alone. She could hear the music, see the spinning lights, make out the voices, but she couldn’t bring herself to open the front door. What had she been thinking? All the people, all the memories in this place… She was sat on a bench in the garden when she heard voices.

“I am not –“ Derek almost fell out of the door, pulling a blonde woman she knew all too well behind him.

“You really are,” Arizona chastised. “ _Awful_ dancer.”

“Those moves were cool once upon a time,” Derek grinned at her.

Arizona looked unconvinced. “Mhmm.”

They both stopped when they saw a familiar figure. Arizona’s heart began to race. Derek was the first to break the silence. “Torres,” he said softly, pulling Arizona with him as he walked towards her. “Meredith told me what happened… I’m glad you could make it.”

Callie gave him a small smile. From somebody else they might have sounded trite, but Derek’s eyes were full of such sincerity that it just sounded genuine. “Thanks,” she managed, her eyes moving on to Arizona.

“Are you okay?” Arizona could have kicked herself for asking such a stupid question. Nobody had seen Callie in two weeks. She’d been battling with herself over whether to call, whether to text. She’d decided against it. Addison seemed to have it under control: she was never home when Arizona was at Mark’s. Mark said he’d barely seen her. Arizona took it as a sign that Callie didn’t need her butting in, but one look at the woman in front of her and she wondered what she’d been thinking.

Callie gave a small laugh. “I’ve been worse,” she smiled wryly.

Derek reached out his hand. “Wanna come and join the party? There might even be spin the bottle, if you’re lucky.”

Callie couldn’t help laughing at his mock enthusiasm. “Sure,” she smiled, standing up and taking Derek’s other hand.

-

Callie chewed her lip. Truth or dare. Her eyes caught Arizona’s across the table and she tried to ignore the beat her heart missed as her dark eyes connected with electric blue.

“Dare,” she decided, knocking back the rest of her drink. What harm could it do. Her life was already smashed to pieces.

Cristina bounced up and down on her seat excitedly. “I got it, I got it!”

Alex frowned. “Hey, it was my turn to pick the dare this time!”

Cristina waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever, Evil Spawn. You get the next go.”

Meredith raised her eyebrows at the pair of them, before making eye contact with Callie and laughing. “Just tell her the dare, already!” she suggested.

“I dare you –“ Cristina paused dramatically, “to kiss Blondie!”

Arizona’s heart stopped beating, she could swear it. Mark tensed by her side. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Alex turn his gaze towards her from his vantage point on the floor, but her eyes were locked on Callie’s.

Callie could have laughed. Life was throwing her such curve balls lately that really, in the topsy-turvy reality that her life had become, this actually just kind of made sense. She felt Addison draw in a breath beside her.

Meredith looked at Cristina before bursting into laughter again. “What?!”

“No, it’s perfect!” Cristina insisted. “Perky is gay as the day is long, Torres is as heartbroken as Perky is gay, they’ll kiss and fall madly in love and have ten beautiful kids.”

Meredith shook her head, baffled, wrapping an arm round Derek again. “What’ve you been drinking?”

Mark and Alex looked on worriedly as Callie wordlessly reached her hand across the circle to Arizona. She gulped, reminded herself to breathe. She felt tingles like electric shocks as their skin touched, let herself be pulled towards Callie. She could see the amber flecks in Callie’s eyes, watched her bite her lip as she leaned in towards her, closed her own eyes as Callie’s lips met hers and her hand cupped her cheek. Memories exploded in her mind; first kiss first date first I love you first argument first time waking up together, and then Callie’s tongue was in her mouth and her own hands were tangled in Callie’s hair and she couldn’t feel see breathe anything except Callie and the hands that were pulling her closer.


	5. Chapter 5

Arizona pulled away, ran a hand over her mouth, through her hair.

Cristina protested. “Hey, why’d you stop?! That was hot!”

Callie didn’t take her eyes off Arizona.

Arizona scrambled to her feet, ran from the room. “I’m sorry, I – I can’t.”

Mark got to his feet, quickly followed by Alex.

Callie pushed her hair from her face, pulled herself upright. “I’ll go.”

Mark shook his head but sat back down. Alex looked around, frowned. “I’m going to get another drink,” he shrugged, holding up his empty bottle.

-

She slammed the bathroom door behind her, couldn’t breathe. It felt like somebody had ripped the last ten years from beneath her feet. She looked into the mirror and all she could see was the kid she used to be, whom she’d thought was long gone.

_“It’s easy, Arizona,” she’d held a lighter to the cigarette, watched it ignite. “Just bring it to your lips. Breathe in. One, two. Then breathe out. Slowly.”_

_Arizona had shaken her head. “Increased risk of lung cancer, liver spots, premature aging… No, thanks.” She’d squeezed Callie’s hand to let her know she was joking. Half-joking. This girl was so close to dangerous that Arizona felt herself burning up in her presence._

_Callie had shrugged, raised the lit cigarette to her own lips, taken a couple of drags. “You’re such a doctor already,” she’d teased. She’d laughed as Arizona’s eyes lingered on her lips, stubbed the cigarette out, leaned in._

_Arizona had bit her lip, felt herself growing dizzy with the scent of Callie and smoke and then Callie’s lips were covering hers, her tongue in her mouth, and she stopped thinking._

She shook herself. _No_. Slid against the door, leant her head on her hands. _No_.

She jumped out of her skin when she heard a pounding on the door. It jolted through her spine, made her head spin even faster. She rubbed her eyes, blinked, tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “Just a minute,” she called weakly.

“Arizona, open the door,” Callie said, voice low, head against the door, hand on the door handle.

Arizona swallowed again. “No,” she whispered.

“Arizona. I need to talk to you.”

She knew Callie couldn’t see her, but she shook her head anyway.

Callie sighed, slid down the other side of the door. _What had she been thinking?_ “I’m sorry,” she confessed, running a hand through her own hair. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Arizona narrowed her eyes slightly at the sink in front of her. “It’s just a game. Right?”

Callie shook her head. “Yes. No.” She sighed. “I should never have played games with you.”

“But you did.” She was worth more than this: a cheap kiss in a drinking game. She’d thought Callie thought so, too.

Callie nodded, although Arizona couldn’t see you. “Yes.”

Arizona shook her head wearily. Callie was a mess. Sure, she had no right to go round kissing her exes, but maybe Arizona had no right to get hung up on it. She’d left, after all. She’d left, and now Callie had been left again. Maybe she deserved an out. It wasn’t like Arizona had given her any help picking up the pieces of her broken marriage. She blew her hair out of her eyes. “Are you… How’ve you been?”

Callie noticed the change in subject, wondered whether ‘forgive and forget’ was something you grew into. She doubted it. She hadn’t needed a kiss to remember all of their shared history but now she’d had one, she wanted more. She shook her head. “I’ve been…” She laughed. “Awful. A train wreck.” It was a relief to be so frank with somebody. Meredith was great, Addison was amazing, but she didn’t feel like she could be fully honest with either of them about this: Meredith because she was George’s friend, after all, and Addison because she’d committed adultery too, once upon a time. Maybe it was the vodka, but the more Callie thought about this situation, the more ridiculous it got. Sometimes she’d wake up in the morning and it’d take her a few seconds to remember. She always laughed, because otherwise she’d cry. “My husband left me,” she giggled, unable to stop.

Arizona furrowed her eyebrows, slightly concerned by the manic giggling. “Do you… Are you okay?” She considered opening the door, but she didn’t want Callie falling through it. Besides, there was something comforting about being able to talk to Callie without being face-to-face. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend they were still kids, their whole lives ahead of them.

“No,” Callie shook her head, calming down. “No, it’s fine. Just… My husband cheated on me. My married-in-Vegas husband cheated on me. It sounds like a bad novel.”

Arizona could empathise. Sometimes she looked at her life and realised it sounded like it had been written by somebody with unrealistic notions of fairy tale love. Not that she was going to admit that to Callie, although she supposed her actions had done it for her. Running from the room had probably been the surefire way to make sure everybody knew how she felt.

“And now… I’m living in a hotel. I have no marriage, no property… All I really have is my job, and God knows I haven’t been doing much of that recently.”

Arizona twisted her mouth. “You need time. Time is okay, time is allowed. So is crying, and shouting, and… Drinking a lot of vodka at parties. But when you’re not upset, when you’re over being upset… There’ll be people lining up for you.”

Callie gave a small smile. She jumped as the door began to give way behind her. Looking up, she saw Arizona, slightly tearstained and dishevelled, and holding out her hand. “Come on,” she smiled, helping Callie to her feet. “I believe there’s a party downstairs.”

Callie allowed herself to be pulled upright. “Arizona…” she almost whispered. “Can we be friends?”

Arizona swallowed, never let the smile on her face flicker. “Yes,” she nodded. “We can be friends.”

-

Arizona opened the door, stepping back and looking impressed as Callie waltzed through it balancing five pizzas on one hand, three bottles of wine in the other. “Ortho,” she shrugged, placing the pizzas down on the worksurface and turning to face Arizona. “I got good hands.”

A snort came from the sofa, where Teddy Altman was already lying. “She knows,” she mock-whispered, cackling to herself. Arizona blushed.

Raising her eyebrows, Callie turned to stare at Teddy. “Looks like somebody won’t be needing any more wine…” She looked questioningly at Arizona.

“She finished early, wanted to celebrate –“ Arizona didn’t get far before Teddy cut her off. She took the bottles from Callie and walked over to the cupboard to grab another couple of glasses.

“I can speak for myself!” Teddy protested, sitting up suddenly and blinking rapidly as the world tried to readjust itself. Arizona pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, trying not to laugh. “I _rocked_ my surgery,” she babbled, pointing a finger in the direction of Callie. “And so I get wine, because I’m –“

“A rockstar!” Callie finished for her, this line already well-rehearsed. Teddy Altman had arrived at Seattle Grace a week to the day after the disastrous party at Meredith’s, and two months later, she was one of Callie’s best friends. Teddy had been an army chick, and they’d bonded over their shared experiences, Callie having been in the Peace Corps. Her army background meant she had a lot in common with Arizona, too, and it turned out she’d been in med school with Addison, so she couldn’t have fit in better.

Arizona rolled her eyes. “Is Addison stopping by?” She loved Teddy, and being friends with Callie was getting easier and easier, although she couldn’t stop her heart fluttering every time they spoke… Which was quite often. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that Addison still didn’t like her. Wine evenings and nights out passed without incident: Addison had never said a single harsh word to her, not since the party. In fact, they were probably superficially friends. But still…

Teddy shook her head. “Lightweight,” she informed them knowingly, brandishing her iPhone in the air. “She stayed up all night with Mark –“ she winked, Callie laughing as Arizona pulled a disgusted face “- and she said to tell you all that –“ here she paused to read from her phone, adopting what she thought to be Addison’s voice – “‘Wine evenings are amazing, fantastic even, but so is catching up on sleep in my own bed without you drunkards kicking me in the face. Please try to retain your dignity without me.’”

Callie snorted. “Well, you failed at that one, Teddy.”

-

Arizona lay on her living room floor, idly watching the ceiling fan spin. The silence was broken only by Teddy’s snores. She’d made it off the sofa long enough to dance wildly for a few minutes before falling back onto it, passing out in exhaustion.

Callie ran a finger round the rim of her wine glass, watching Arizona. There was something so innocent about her, so angelic, and yet Callie knew the strength behind her eyes. Sometimes she looked at Arizona and saw the future she’d never had, the ‘I love you’s and the apologies left unsaid. Sometimes she wondered whether she could have fought harder for Arizona; whether, if she’d said the right thing at the right time, they’d still be together now. She wondered whether she’d made a mistake, leaving Arizona on that hill. And the kiss at the party… She’d known better. She’d known how Arizona felt about her. She just wasn’t sure what to do with that.

They’d been perfect together, everybody had said it. When Arizona had left, Callie’s world had fallen apart. She’d known better than to play on Arizona’s feelings, because her own were still just as strong. For a while, Callie had been happy with George, but she wondered whether deep down, she’d just been trying to escape the truth. Everything had changed when Arizona came back into her life, whether she wanted it to or not. And now… Now she was alone, again. Callie didn’t know whether she could take another personal disaster right now, however strongly she felt about Arizona.

Arizona looked up and caught her gazing. She gave a self-conscious smile. “What’re you thinking?”

Callie held her gaze for a moment too long, wondered whether she should say what was really on her mind. “Just… I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Me too,” Arizona smiled, a little tipsy. She stretched her hand out, patting the carpet to the side of her. “C’mere. It’s like magic.”

Smiling, Callie set her wine glass on the table and repositioned herself on the carpet.

“Magic. See?”

“That’s electricity, sweetheart,” Callie grinned, watching the ceiling fan whizz round and round.

Arizona stilled beside her.

_“I have something to ask you. It’s, well, kind of lame, but…”_

_Callie raised an eyebrow. “You have something to ask me, ask me.” She looked up from her books and noticed Arizona shaking. ”Wait, what’s wrong?”_

_“I’ve never asked a hot girl to prom before,” Arizona mumbled._

_Callie broke out in a grin, sure that her girlfriend was the most adorable person in the world._

_“So ask her,” she replied, puckering her lips flirtatiously. “Maybe she’ll say yes.”_

_Arizona rolled her eyes. “Calliope Torres,” she began, reaching out for Callie’s hand. “Will you do me the honour of being my first ever prom date?”_

_Callie grinned. “Of course I will, sweetheart. Who else would I go with?”_

 


	6. Chapter 6

They’ve been friends for a while now. Eleven months, a week and three days. She knows these things. Tiny details have always been the ones that stuck in her heart; the curve of Callie’s eyelashes, the slight pressure of her hand in Arizona’s, the turquoise shade of lace underwear. All this she knows, and she suspects that Callie knows that she knows. She wonders whether this limbo will ever end.

She spends a lot of time at Mark’s, and even more time with Callie. Rarely alone; girls’ night has become a regular thing, and they’re a package deal now: Addie’n’Callie’n’Teddy’n’Arizona. Mark called them the witches of Seattle Grace. Alex shakes his head whenever he sees them together, even in a group like that: he knows Arizona well enough to know what this is doing to her.

She talks to Timothy sometimes, too. He remembers Callie from back in the day: he drove them to prom in his beaten-up jeep, presented them with matching corsages and slipped Arizona a hotel key and a wink. He remembers what came afterwards, too: Arizona’s stubbornness, the tears, her refusal to admit that maybe there was a better way. So he hears about Callie’s reappearance with trepidation.

She applies her make-up with the same care she mends all wounds. She screwed up, she knows that. She was wrong. And if her penance is watching Callie flirt with everyone who buys her a drink (of whom there are many) – if that’s what she has to do to atone for every tear she caused – then she’ll do it.

-

Callie mumbled incoherently at the sound of the alarm, burrowing tighter into the covers and refusing to surface. It couldn’t be morning, not already. Her head hurt from the wine, her feet hurt from the heels, her whole body hurt from… She sat bolt upright in bed. _Shit._

“Your alarm’s going off for a reason,” an all-too-familiar voice called from the kitchen.

Callie rolled her eyes. “Thanks, _mom_ ,” she backchatted, sliding out of bed and wincing as her feet hit the cold floor. Walking into the kitchen, she helped herself to the pile of pancakes on the sideboard before sitting at the kitchen table opposite Addison. “Why are _you_ here?”

Addison looked up from the newspaper she was flicking through. Despite it being 6am, her hair was perfectly straight, her skirt-suit a classic cut. And the heels… Callie winced just looking at them, her feet throbbing. Addison raised an eyebrow. “You mean why am I _here,_ or why am _I_ here and not that delightful young man I just saw out?”

Narrowing her eyes, Callie took a sip of coffee. “Both. It’s early, Addison!”

Assuming a patient facial expression, Addison tried her best not to roll her eyes. “You swapped shifts with Brister last night, so right now you’re fifteen minutes away from being late.”

The memories came flooding back to Callie. “Crap… I did.” Katja Brister was the hospital’s other promising ortho resident, and there was no love lost between them. But Teddy had found her in floods of tears in the bathroom at Joe’s last night, and Callie hadn’t even hesitated to offer to switch shifts – especially once she found out Katja’s boyfriend had cheated on her.

Addison flashed her an ‘I told you so’ glance, before turning back to her newspaper. “So. Who was he?”

“Who?” Sophisticated nonchalance was hard to feign when trying to demolish a plate of pancakes faster than the speed of light, Callie reflected, noticing Addison’s unconvinced face. “Oh. Him. He… We shared a taxi with him, after you and Teddy left last night.”

Addison placed her newspaper on the table, staring at Callie sternly over the top of her glasses. “’We’?”

“Me and Arizona,” Callie elaborated, downing her coffee. “And, well…” She shrugged. She knew she had a bit of a reputation around the hospital, but who didn’t? She’d tried monogamy and had still come off badly, so really, she was past caring. So what if she slept with a lot of guys? It was nobody else’s business, she reasoned.

Addison sighed. “When are you going to give that girl a break?” It was no secret that Addison wasn’t Arizona’s biggest fan, but not even she doubted Arizona’s feelings for her best friend. And the amount of times Arizona had been confronted with Callie’s millions of admirers…

Callie shook her head. “No. No, it is not about her,” she stated adamantly, lying through her teeth. It was. It was always about Arizona, all the time – everything she did was about numbing her feelings for the blonde. But that wasn’t something she was willing to admit – she could barely even admit it to herself. Who fell right back into a relationship with the first person to break their heart? She wouldn’t – couldn’t – be that stupid.

Shaking her head, Addison gazed at her friend. “Talk to her,” she advised. Noticing the stubborn look on Callie’s face, she sighed. “Callie, this isn’t working. A different guy every night? This isn’t you.” She reached for her hand. “At some point, you’re going to have to stop running and face it.”

Callie pulled her hand away, scowling, and headed towards the bathroom. “You sound old!” She slammed the bathroom door behind her. “And you’re no fun!”

Biting the inside of her lip, Addison crossed her arms and sighed.

-

“Blondie!”

Arizona turned from the nurses’ station with a grin. “Mark! You’re back!” She closed the charts she was carrying, tucking her biro back inside a pocket. Falling into step beside him, she asked eagerly, “So? How did it go?”

Mark grinned back, amused by her enthusiasm. “It was just like every other meeting,” he shrugged. “I presented my research proposal, some other guys presented their far inferior research proposals…” He paused dramatically, enjoying the moment of suspense. “And it got accepted!”

Flinging her arms around Mark, Arizona congratulated her friend. “I never doubted you for a second,” she beamed. “So when does it go ahead?”

“Soon,” Mark replied, evidently pleased by his friend’s reaction. “As soon as I get enough participants together, which won’t be a problem. I can just use the old Sloan charm if needs be,” he winked.

“That’s amazing!” Arizona enthused, before noticing how far they’d walked already. “I have a consult,” she frowned apologetically, stopping outside a patient’s room. “You can tell me all about it at lunch?”

Mark nodded. “My shout. Then you can tell everybody you got wined and dined by a Laverne scholarship fund winner,” he smirked.

Shaking her head, Arizona laughed. “It’s only the hospital cafeteria, Mark, and I don’t think they have any Michelin stars.” Walking into the patient’s room, she checked the name on the chart. “Lauren! Nice to meet you. I’m Dr Robbins. Hey, I really love your hair slides…”

-

“So how does a kid get a broken femur from falling in the playground?” Arizona frowned, her feet up on the table of the attendings’ lounge. Her eyebrows furrowed, she didn’t seem aware of the bag of kettle chips she was making her way through.

Callie shrugged, eyes sad. “They don’t.” The coffee she’d been so desperate for half an hour ago now sat forgotten on the table. It wasn’t unheard of, but she had enough experience in ortho to know when something was wrong. Reading the unspoken question in Arizona’s eyes, she said: “We have to ring social services.”

Closing her eyes momentarily, Arizona leant back against the sofa. _Crap._ And the day had been going so well.

The door opened and Addison strode in, not at all surprised to see her friends. “That sign on the door says ‘attendings’ for a reason,” she joked, pretending to stare pointedly at Callie and Arizona’s pale blue scrubs. Sensing the atmosphere in the room, she frowned. Nudging Arizona’s feet slightly to make room for her pile of charts, she sat down on the sofa. “What’s wrong?”

Callie shook her head wearily. “A difficult case.”

Arizona opened her eyes with a sigh, turning to look at Addison. “We have to ring protective services because a parent, a goddamned _parent_ , couldn’t be trusted to look after their own kid.” It was far from the first time that Arizona had had to ring social services, but it never became normal, never stopped being shocking. The things people would do to one another… She shuddered, dropping her head back onto her knees.

Addison frowned sympathetically. “I’m sorry. That’s rough.” She took in Callie’s tired appearance and Arizona’s silent despair. “I’m going to get some doughnuts. I’ll be right back.”

As the door swung shut behind Addison, Arizona raised her head to meet Callie’s eyes. “It’s not fair,” she stated quietly, eyes full of sorrow. _She’s just a kid._

Callie nodded. “I know. It never is.”

-

“Arizona, this is my friend, Lydia,” Mark smirked, introducing Arizona to a red-haired woman she’d never seen before. Arizona couldn’t help noticing the curve of her waist, her smile, the lilt of her Irish accent. She smiled politely back, whilst firing death glares at Mark as he left them at the bar. _I’m going to kill you._

Addison raised an eyebrow at Mark. “Lydia? Really?” She shook her head, taking a sip of her martini. “The day she’s had, and now this? She’s going to kill you.”

Before Mark could reply, he was greeted by Derek. “Congratulations, Mark,” he smiled, clapping him on the back. “It’s great news.” Ordering a round of drinks, he looked curiously at Addison. “Who’s going to kill him? It’d be a shame, now that he’s just starting to make it.” He grinned mischievously at Mark.

“Arizona,” Teddy smirked, leaning over Addison and waggling her eyebrows in Arizona’s direction. “He thinks it’s time she got back on the horse.”

Meredith looked towards the bar, then incredulously back at Mark. “Are you kidding? This has disaster written all over it!”

Mark shrugged defensively. “Look, they’re hitting it off!” They turned as one to the bar, where Lydia was laughing at something Arizona had said, her hand on Arizona’s arm.

Teddy tilted her head sideways. “You know, it could work,” she mused. “They are roughly the same height…”

Derek exchanged a glance with Alex, who shook his head. “Dude, this is an awful idea. She doesn’t want anyone else.”

Mark raised an eyebrow, gesturing towards the bar. “Just you wait.”

“Where is Callie, anyway?” Meredith asked, taking a sip of her tequila.

Addison placed her wineglass back on the table. “Still working. Brister never showed, so she’s on call. She said she’d try and get here later.”

Choking on her wine, Teddy gestured in the direction of the bar.

Mark grinned appreciatively, congratulating himself as he watched Arizona lead the brunette out of the bar. “That was fast work.”

 -

Arizona lent against the wall, closing her eyes as she inhaled deeply. She hadn’t smoked in years, but the smoke filled her lungs like a familiar friend. She exhaled, opening her eyes and meeting Lydia’s gaze. “Thanks,” she smiled. “I needed this.”

Lydia smiled back, biting her lip. “I know what else you need,” she whispered seductively, closing the distance between them and running her hands down Arizona’s sides, resting on her hips. Almost close enough to Arizona to pin her to the wall, she sought Arizona’s mouth with her own, holding her gaze for a second too long before kissing her.

She tasted of tequila, strawberries, danger. Arizona kissed her back, wrapping one arm around her waist, the hand at her side still holding the smouldering cigarette. She gasped for air as Lydia broke the kiss, working her way down Arizona’s neck. _It would be so easy._ Arizona swallowed, forcing herself to push Lydia away. “I can’t,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I’m sorry.”

Lydia stared at Arizona evenly. “Okay,” she nodded, giving Arizona a smile. “But come back to mine anyway. I’ve a bottle of wine, a Netflix subscription, and nothing else to do, so you can tell me about her.”

Arizona stared, cigarette forgotten. “I never told you –“

“You didn’t have to,” Lydia shrugged. “All the hot girls are messed up by somebody else, it’s the law.” She deftly plucked the cigarette from Arizona’s hands before it burnt her fingers, offering her a new one from the packet. “This way.”

Arizona smiled, falling into step beside Lydia. She’d been in Seattle a year and still had barely any friends outside the hospital. And wine… Wine sounded good.

-

Teddy goggled, open-mouthed. “But you left with her!”

Rolling her eyes, Arizona passed her a doughnut, taking one for herself. “Yes. And we spent the whole night talking.” It was almost the truth, after all. Apart from that kiss, there’d been nothing except wine and talk.

“I knew it!” Teddy grinned triumphantly. “I _told_ Mark there was no way anything was going to happen. But she’s interested, right?”

Arizona blushed. “Yes.”

Teddy narrowed her eyes. “You’re hiding something!”

Meeting her friend’s eye, Arizona wondered whether it was worth lying. Sighing, she admitted, “She kissed me, outside Joe’s. But I told her I couldn’t, and… We spent the night talking about Callie.” It was pathetic, she knew, pining after the same girl for twelve months. The same girl who’d made it clear she didn’t want her.

Teddy’s glee turned to sympathy. “Arizona…”

“I know!” Arizona exclaimed despairingly. “I know, I just need to move on, forget about it, like she clearly has…” She thought miserably of Callie’s last fling, a particularly unpleasant waiter named John. “But I can’t.” She didn’t mention her wildly unrealistic pipe dream that Callie would wake up one day and realise she was making a mistake; she didn’t tell Teddy that the reason she hadn’t slept with Lydia was because she didn’t want to hurt Callie. But somehow, she had a feeling that her friend knew.

Teddy bit her lip in thought. “She seems nice,” she offered, thinking that a girl who would spend all night listening to Arizona talk about Callie was definitely not in it for uncomplicated sex. “And I hate to say it, but Mark’s right. You have to get back out there.” She regarded Arizona seriously. “Maybe you should give her a call.”

-

“She did what?!” Callie stared openmouthed at Addison, the medical journal she’d been reading forgotten.

Addison nodded. “No morals. Ten tequila shots and she’s anybody’s,” she said solemnly, ducking as Teddy hit her with a cushion.

She stared suspiciously at Teddy. “You did not try and give Mark Sloan a lap dance.”

“I did not!” Teddy protested, blushing. “I fell over.”

“Over onto his lap,” Addison smirked, enjoying teasing her friend.

Realising she was being teased, Teddy rolled her eyes. “Some of us have our sights set higher,” she said airily, waving a hand. It was her turn to duck as Addison took aim.

“So really, what did I miss?” Callie smiled at her friend’s antics. She’d been upset to miss spending time with her friends, especially given Mark’s great news. She’d fired off a quick congratulations text to him as soon as she’d heard about his grant, but he had yet to reply.

The look that passed between Teddy and Addison was not lost on her. “Oh… Not much,” Teddy shrugged shiftily, reaching for Callie’s notes. “Cartilage regeneration? That sounds amazing.”

Addison cursed internally, unaware of what had actually happened last night. Teddy steadily refused to meet her eye, uncomfortable but unwilling to break Arizona’s confidence. Weighing her options, Addison sighed. Either she told Callie, or she found out from the hospital rumour mill. Picking her words tentatively, she said, “Arizona… met somebody.”

The words hit Callie like a freight train. Or, at least, like what she imagined being hit by a freight train would feel like. She’d expected more, somehow: although she knew she had no right, she’d wanted Arizona to want her forever. Even if Callie didn’t want her back. _But you do want her,_ a small voice in her head spoke up. She quickly suppressed it, forcing a smile onto her face, trying to inject the light back into her eyes. “Wow, she did?” she breezed. “That’s… great, amazing, good for her. I just have to… Go and do some charts. I’ll see you later.”

Addison groaned as Callie all but ran from the room, leaving her pile of charts and research behind her. “Oh God.”


	7. Chapter 7

Arizona lent against the wall, closing her eyes as she inhaled deeply. She hadn’t smoked in years, but the smoke filled her lungs like a familiar friend. She exhaled, opening her eyes and meeting Lydia’s gaze. “Thanks,” she smiled. “I needed this.”

Lydia smiled back, biting her lip. “I know what else you need,” she whispered seductively, closing the distance between them and running her hands down Arizona’s sides, resting on her hips. Almost close enough to Arizona to pin her to the wall, she sought Arizona’s mouth with her own, holding her gaze for a second too long before kissing her.

She tasted of tequila, strawberries, danger. Arizona kissed her back, wrapping one arm around her waist, the hand at her side still holding the smouldering cigarette. She gasped for air as Lydia broke the kiss, working her way down Arizona’s neck. _It would be so easy._ Arizona swallowed, forcing herself to push Lydia away. “I can’t,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I’m sorry.”

Lydia stared at Arizona evenly. “Okay,” she nodded, giving Arizona a smile. “But come back to mine anyway. I’ve a bottle of wine, a Netflix subscription, and nothing else to do, so you can tell me about her.”

Arizona stared, cigarette forgotten. “I never told you –“

“You didn’t have to,” Lydia shrugged. “All the hot girls are hung up on somebody else, it’s the law.” She deftly plucked the cigarette from Arizona’s hands before it burnt her fingers, dropping it to the floor before crushing it underfoot and offering Arizona a new one from the packet. “This way.”

Arizona hesitated momentarily, then smiled, falling into step beside Lydia. She’d been in Seattle a year and still had barely any friends outside the hospital. And wine… Wine sounded good.

-

Teddy goggled, open-mouthed. “But you left with her!”

Rolling her eyes, Arizona passed her a doughnut, taking one for herself. “Yes. And we spent the whole night talking.” It was almost the truth, after all. Apart from that kiss, there’d been nothing except wine and discussion.

“I knew it!” Teddy grinned triumphantly. “I _told_ Mark there was no way anything was going to happen. But she’s interested, right?”

Arizona blushed. “Yes.”

Teddy narrowed her eyes. “You’re hiding something!”

Meeting her friend’s eye, Arizona wondered whether it was worth lying. Sighing, she admitted, “She kissed me, outside Joe’s. But I told her I couldn’t, and… We spent the night talking about Callie.” It was pathetic, she knew, pining after the same girl for twelve months. The same girl who’d made it clear she didn’t want her.

Teddy’s glee turned to sympathy. “Arizona…”

“I know!” Arizona exclaimed despairingly. “I know, I just need to move on, forget about it, like she clearly has…” She thought miserably of Callie’s last fling, a particularly unpleasant waiter named John. “But I can’t.” She didn’t mention her wildly unrealistic pipe dream that Callie would wake up one day and realise she was making a mistake; she didn’t tell Teddy that the reason she hadn’t slept with Lydia was because she didn’t want to hurt Callie. But somehow, she had a feeling that her friend knew.

Teddy bit her lip in thought. “She sounds nice,” she offered, thinking that a girl who would spend all night listening to Arizona talk about Callie was definitely not in it for uncomplicated sex. “And I hate to say it, but Mark’s right. You have to get back out there.” She regarded Arizona seriously. “Maybe you should give her a call.”

-

“Robbins! You and Lydia, then… Nice,” Mark winked, clapping Arizona on the back and causing her to roll her eyes. She snapped shut the chart she was holding, handing it to him.

“No, Mark,” she shook her head. “Thanks for the gesture, though. Anytime I can fix you up with a cute redhead…” Arizona smirked, turning to walk away. Seeing Addison walking towards them, she grinned to herself. Addison stared at her, bemused, as she walked off whistling.

Rounding the corner, Arizona was almost knocked over by a gaggle of interns rushing in the opposite direction. She caught snatches of their conversation: “unhinged”, “unprofessional”, “I thought she was going to hit you!”

Confused, she headed to the nurses desk, where a harassed-looking Alex was trying to juggle ten charts. He gave her a slight smile, grunting his thanks as she took a pile from him. “What happened?”

He rolled his eyes. “Torres shouted at them, told them they’d never be good doctors if they cared more about their love lives than their patients, and that if they wanted to go sleep around with hot strangers, they should just leave now.” Alex shrugged.

Arizona grimaced. “Crap… How did she even find out?”

Alex shrugged. “You know what this hospital’s like for rumours.” He looked at Arizona, hesitating slightly. “Good for you, though.”

Sitting down on the chair, Arizona span in dizzying circles before coming to a stop. “Nothing happened.” She sighed, seeing the question in Alex’s eyes. “She kissed me, and I… couldn’t do it. It would’ve been easy, once upon a time. But…” She shrugged helplessly. “I didn’t want to.”

Alex regarded her thoughtfully. “Talk to her,” he finally suggested.

“But-“ It was the last piece of advice she’d expected from Alex. Even Teddy, the most hopeless romantic Arizona had ever met, thought she should move on.

“I wouldn’t,” he admitted. “I’d get wasted every night and sleep with a lot of strangers. Remind you of anyone?” he smiled wryly, raising an eyebrow. “Talk to her. You two never talk, not properly. So go and snap out of your “we’re-just-friends-honestly” act, and tell her how you feel.”

Arizona bit her lip. “I already did.”

“Then tell her again. What’ve you got to lose?”

-

She’d just lost a patient; the second one today, actually. The third in two shifts, if anybody was counting – which she was. Callie almost emptied the coffee cup in one gulp, feeling revived as the caffeine burned its way down her throat.

“Thanks,” she smiled gratefully at Addison. “I needed that.”

Her friend smiled back at her. “Anytime,” she replied, leaning back in her seat and crossing her legs. “Tomorrow, it might be me.”

Callie nodded. As an orthopaedic surgeon, she didn’t lose patients as often as other specialties, but it still hurt. “Hot date with Mark tonight?” she grinned, watching Addison’s mouth curve into a smirk.

“Maybe,” she conceded, taking a sip of her own coffee. “You?”

Callie glanced at her phone as the tone indicated a new text: _We need to talk. 9pm, park bench. X_ Wordlessly, she passed her phone to Addison, whose forehead crinkled slightly as she read it. Eventually she looked up at Callie. “Go. And tell her how you feel.”

-

It was a different night, a different situation; it was darker, but the stars shone a little brighter, and the cold pierced Callie’s skin like needles. She wasn’t married this time, and she was sick of being scared; sick of everyone knowing how she felt except the one person it concerned. She’d got there before Arizona, nerves making her early, and now she sat alone on the bench, staring at the city spread like a blanket below the hill. A noise behind her startled her out of her reverie; she stood, turning to face Arizona.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Arizona began immediately. “I don’t know what you heard but I didn’t, it’s not true –“

“I know,” Callie said softly, gazing at Arizona. Her hair framed her face, making her look younger.

“- and I know you won’t believe me because, well, why would you, but – what?” Arizona stopped in her tracks when she realised what Callie had said.

Callie’s eyes never left Arizona’s. “I love you,” she stated simply, firmly, registering the shock in Arizona’s eyes. She reached for Arizona’s hand, pulled her towards her. She watched her eyes soften as she closed the distance between them, hesitating only slightly as their lips met. She felt Arizona kiss her back, felt her intertwine their fingers. _“I love you, too.”_


End file.
